Shortly after the Minnesota Vikings fired general manager Rick Spielman and head coach Mike Zimmer, I received an email from a friend asking if I would like the job of general manager. I said, “You bet.” I plan to send my application tomorrow.
The first priority would be to hire a head coach. I’m thinking of Racine Raiders coach Wilbert Kennedy. If he doesn’t want to leave Racine, I’ll hire my third cousin once removed who coached a high school team to two Minnesota state championships.
I would also like a new quarterback. It would either be former Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers or supermodel Gisele Bundehen’s unemployed husband, Tom. I think his last name is Grady or Braylie or something.
Then I would hire a former Burlington athlete, Tony Romo, as a quarterback coach and members of the Jamaican bobsleigh team as conditioning coaches.
My director of publicity would be Stacy Tapp, head of communications and community engagement for the Racine Unified School District. Her background in explaining to the public what is happening in the school district makes her more than qualified to explain to Vikings fans the activities of the Purple Practitioners of Puzzling Pathetic Playoff Pursuits. Stacy’s responsibilities would also include telling visiting teams and fans that Minnesotans don’t make or eat casseroles. They prepare and eat hot meals.
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I would ask owners Zygi and Mark Wilf to buy the late Prince’s purple house in Chanhassen, a small Minnesota town 29 miles east of Lester Prairie, to flaunt all the Lombardi trophies we would win.
To show the fans that I am thinking of them, I would negotiate with the magnates of Minnesota to allow the sale of beer from the New Glarus Brewery at US Bank Stadium. It would be nice to see fans watching games while drinking Totally Naked or celebrating Vikings touchdowns while holding Two Women.
(Oh, relax, those are the names of the beers.)
Then I would build a training ground on the farm where I grew up and establish a parking lot where fans could park their snowmobiles while watching pre-season practice.
I would also add these names to the payroll:
Jennifer Anniston, Heidi Klum, Michelle Obama, Miley Cyrus, Beyonce, NBC weather anchor Dylan Dreyer, WTMJ-TV sports anchor Delaney Brey and Saturday Night Live’s Cecily Strong.
Also Serena Williams, Queen Elizabeth, Tonya Harding, Dannica Patrick, Lindsey Vonn, Simone Biles and Kristi Yamaguchi.
Also Greta Neubaur, Rebecca Kleefisch, Laura Bush, Melania Trump, Caitlyn Jenner, Mariah Carey, Toyota pitchwoman Jan, Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar and Wisconsin Representative Gwen Moore.
Also Sandra Bullock, former German Chancellor Angela Merkel, former Miss Minnesota and “Morning Blend” co-host Tiffany Ogle, Valerie Bertinelli, Marisa Tomei, my cousin Winnie and the AFLAC duck.
They would be the cheerleaders of the Vikings.
Unfortunately, the team would never have an undefeated season because I wouldn’t allow the Vikings to participate in their annual humiliation in Green Bay. I would send the Packers an email saying, “You win.” To let the Packers know that I realize they’re disappointed not to have their annual Alouette at Lambeau, I’ll send some hot food recipes.
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